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Indulging in a little whine

Yesterday concluded with a scattered collection of frustrated, unproductive,“why me-poor me” thoughts wisping through my mind, which, instead of being blown away by a good night’s sleep, have now managed to amass themselves into a gloomy cloud that is currently hovering over my head and spoiling my morning.

shatteredheartWHY does everything to do with food and eating always have to be such a huge issue in my life?

WHY did I have to be dealt the fat hand instead of the slim one?

WHY can’t I have a secret problem instead of one that’s so blatantly obvious to everyone who looks at me?

I’ve been greatly encouraged by working through The Beck Diet Solution, and I know that I have the power to change my life. I have been completing the daily tasks, taking control and making better choices, replacing bad habits with good… and already I notice a marked difference in my response to food-related issues.

But sometimes it’s a challenge to stay upbeat and positive ALL the time.

Maybe it’s normal and natural to feel this way at this stage of the mind-changing game. Perhaps it’s all part of some sort of bizarre grieving process, as it were – mourning over old ways that must now die… over a loss of freedom to eat what I want, when I want… over the realization of my own shortcomings and weakness.

I don’t know. But I do know that I really don’t like it.

I will feel better soon. I’ll carry on doing what I need to do, and won’t allow myself to wallow for long in this little puddle of self-pity.

But for the moment, please bear with me as I indulge in a little whine.

NaBloPoMoNovember2013

Laurel Regan, CZT – Certified Zentangle Teacher. Writer, reader, tangler, iPhoneographer, cat herder, learner of French and Italian, crocheter, needle felter, on-and-off politics junkie, 80s music trivia freak, ongoing work in progress.

{ 16 comments… add one }
  • siouxZQ November 28, 2013

    Laurel, you are beautiful, you are healthy, you have the love of a wonderful man and employment and a home and happiness. Why make yourself miserable by watching everything that goes into your mouth? Life is WAY too short to be spending so much time denying yourself.
    *I* am fat. Do I want to be fat? No. Would I rather be thin(ner)? Absolutely. Will getting thin(ner) make my bestie/husband love me more – will I get a better job – will I be any younger – will my knees be any less arthritic? No to all of these.
    So, why not do our best to not over-indulge and try to love who we are right now?

    • Laurel Regan
      Twitter:
      November 29, 2013

      I appreciate your comment, because I know you are coming from a place of friendship and caring. So thank you. 🙂

      Everyone has a different path, and what works for one person simply may not be where another person is comfortable… and that’s ok. For me, taking steps to better myself and my quality of life by learning more helpful habits and thought processes is a priority. I’m not suggesting that this is the path that everyone needs to take, and I’m not striving to make anyone love me (more) or grant my wishes – I am committed to doing this because I want to be the best “me” I can be, and because I want to do everything that’s within my power to stay healthy and stick around on this earth as long as I can to enjoy my many blessings.

      I am mostly a very happy person, but like anyone else I do have the odd miserable day. Giving in to my every desire is just as likely to trigger a miserable day as denying myself (I’ve proven it!). My goal is to strive for balance, and while I appreciate that that might come more naturally to others, for me that has to start with retraining my thought processes.
      Laurel Regan recently posted… (Almost) Wordless WednesdayMy Profile

      • siouxZQ November 29, 2013

        I do want to apologize if it sounded like I was denying your journey – that wasn’t it, I just wanted to tell you how wonderful you are

        I am more contented with my size because of getting older – 65 on my next birthday! I would love to be smaller but have spent way too much of my life on this and somehow, I still stay the same – so have just decided to accept it and work toward healthy. Not a fan of fast foods, probably brought on by years of gall bladder issues, and a great lover of healthy foods, I think, even at my size, there is healthy in there somewhere 🙂

        • Laurel Regan
          Twitter:
          November 29, 2013

          No apology necessary! I appreciate your friendship and kind words. 🙂

          It sounds to me as though you know yourself well and what works for you, and I wish you the very best on your journey towards healthy. Ultimately healthy is what’s most important, no matter what path we each take to get there!
          Laurel Regan recently posted… (Almost) Wordless WednesdayMy Profile

  • Lisa M November 28, 2013

    Laurel, once again you bowl me over with your honesty and willingness to share. Love your blog posts! I think your willingness to work through your issues shows how much you love yourself and want to be the best and healthiest you, you can be. I don’t know anyone who is positive all the time or doesn’t have issues with something, whether it be food, or what have you. Behaviour modification is tough. If it were easy, we’d all be disgustingly happy, perfect people and life would be boring!! 🙂 I think it’s important we accept ourselves for who we are, limitations and all, but that doesn’t mean we can’t continually work at improving ourselves and our quality of life and food and health are incredibly important for quality of life. I for one am grateful you are exactly who you are with the problems you have because you have been so honest about them and so sharing with your journey that you have been and continue to be an incredible inspiration to me. I am so grateful to call you a friend, whines and all and so grateful you’ve allowed me to join you on this journey to health and happiness 🙂

    • Laurel Regan
      Twitter:
      November 29, 2013

      Thank you so much for your kind words, Lisa… you made me tear up. I am so very grateful for your friendship and for everything that you’ve taught me along this journey to betterness – YOU are MY inspiration!
      Laurel Regan recently posted… (Almost) Wordless WednesdayMy Profile

  • peter November 28, 2013

    My love,
    I know how hard dealing with an addiction can be, whether it’s food, tobacco or booze. I will help you win your battles by cooking wholesome food and loving you as best I can. Stay strong my loving partner.

  • Sylvia V November 28, 2013

    Perhaps part of your grief is thinking long term and what you have to give up from now on. Sometimes it helps me to think about it in much shorter terms. Like just eating this way for the rest of the week and see how it goes. Eventually the small victories add up and your habits change gradually. I’m hoping. I can’t deal with the thought of no sugar for the rest of my life. But I know I can do it until the end of the week for sure.

    • Laurel Regan
      Twitter:
      November 29, 2013

      I think you’re right, Sylvia! Much better to think short-term. And I’m also trying not to think of it so much as what I have to give up, but what I will gain (not weight!) by making better choices (if that makes sense).
      Laurel Regan recently posted… (Almost) Wordless WednesdayMy Profile

  • Jackie November 28, 2013

    Good luck with your struggle. If I know a thing or two about addiction — unfortunately I know a lot more than I’d like to know — I know this: you have to admit you have a problem, which you have done. Then, you must resolve to fix it. How you go about that is a personal decision. It’s hardest in the beginning, though, but if you stick it out, it will be worth it. I promise.
    Jackie recently posted… The Neighbor Who Saved ThanksgivingMy Profile

  • Life Breath Present November 29, 2013

    You are doing an awesome job on your journey. Sharing is one of the best things in dealing with change. I agree there’s some grief going on, because it is change. Nonetheless, allowing yourself to roll with it is important, which you are doing.

    Remember, just a few minutes at a time is enough. Congratulate yourself on your accomplishments, even if it’s every few minutes 🙂
    Life Breath Present recently posted… His Treasure – Book ReviewMy Profile

  • anexpatinuk
    Twitter:
    December 2, 2013

    Changing habits is hard work. It can play with your mind as well and I think this is just a natural thing to go through in the process. I have done it before with various diets/work-out programs and it’s a reason why you need to stick with it for a certain time (21 days at least) until it becomes part of your new routine without a struggle (if it ever will). I’ll be on a similar mission come spring next year.
    Also, you are entitled to a whine now and then…
    anexpatinuk recently posted… Gratitude list: my linkup #3 (#8 in the series)My Profile

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