As a kid, I loved funny things – jokes, riddles, puns… the sillier the better – anything that made me laugh. I was an extremely shy child, but telling jokes was a surefire way to talk to people when I didn’t know what to say or how to say it. I remember on more than one occasion holding someone or other captive as I regaled them with joke after joke from one of my many books. “Just one more!” I’d beg when one of my parents tried to save my hapless victim from my corniness. “This next one is really funny!”
As it turned out, it was a joke that began my education into the understanding that racism is wrong.
I remember coming home one day with an ethnic joke I’d heard from one of the other schoolkids. I don’t remember the joke itself, or even which particular group it targeted, but I must have thought it to be quite funny, as I held on to it long enough to share with my dad when he got home.
Much to my surprise, however, Dad didn’t laugh… not even a little. In fact, he was deadly serious. He told me in no uncertain terms that telling jokes that made fun of any group of people was wrong and that he didn’t ever want to hear me doing so. I protested a bit, saying that it was just a silly joke and I didn’t really mean it, but he was adamant that it did matter… that words are powerful, and that we are responsible for what we say.
I came away from our discussion a little embarrassed at being chastised, but his words stuck with me. From that point on I thought twice before telling a joke or making generalizations about any group of people, considering whether someone might be hurt by my words. In all honesty at times I resented this need for vigilance, grumbling to myself that it was really “no big deal” and that Dad had been overreacting… but despite my frustration, I must have believed he was right.
In retrospect, that stupid joke was probably relatively harmless in the grand scheme of things. But I wonder, sometimes, what kind of person I might be today if Dad had laughed instead of challenging me on the need to be accountable for my words. Telling a harmless joke may have only been the start, something that made it easier and more acceptable to hear derogatory things about others… and then maybe to speak them… and then, perhaps, to believe them. Is it possible that hatred might begin by being “softened up” by something intended to be funny?
To this day I am taken aback when I meet someone who seems to have no qualms about making others laugh by denigrating a particular group of people. I don’t understand how it comes so easily to them. Then again, maybe they didn’t have someone like my dad in their life.
Thank you, Dad.
(Originally posted in September, 2009.)
{ 44 comments… add one }
Twitter: annesmoeder
June 14, 2014
I think this conversation did have an effect on you or you wouldn’t have remembered it. I had a similar experience recently, but I was on your father’s half of the equation; you can see the link below. It was very disturbing for me, as I would guess it was for your father as well.
Rachel recently posted… On hearing “F**king Jew!”
Twitter: alphabetsalad
June 15, 2014
I can imagine how disturbing that must have been for you, Rachel.
Laurel Regan recently posted… Today’s Gratitude List – Linkup No. 34
Twitter: SunbonSmart
June 14, 2014
Hey there, Laurel! What a nice find on Pinterest and so perfect from so many ways. Great job and how wonderful to have such an understanding early on. Love that photo of you and your Dad. What a lovely keepsake. Enjoy the weekend! Much Love, Fondly, Robin
Twitter: alphabetsalad
June 15, 2014
It’s definitely a favourite photo of mine, Robin!
Laurel Regan recently posted… Today’s Gratitude List – Linkup No. 34
Twitter: vidyasury
June 14, 2014
What a beautiful and valuable lesson, Laurel! Happy Father’s Day.
Vidya Sury recently posted… I’d Like a Cultural, Romantic City Break, Paris
Twitter: alphabetsalad
June 15, 2014
I’m glad I had it, Vidya! Thank you.
Laurel Regan recently posted… Today’s Gratitude List – Linkup No. 34
Love this article, Laurel – and I couldn’t agree more. Your dad was a very smart man (what a lovely picture).
I’ve always hated jokes that personally target a person or group; one reason I hate watching comedians who make fat jokes, short jokes, big nose jokes, etc., specifying particular actors, singers, politicians or racial groups. They are so unkind – actually distress and make me physically uncomfortable.
Sadly, my dad was one of those tellers of unkind jokes. I was, however, born with a super-empathetic gene that made me realize early in life that this was unacceptable. The only problem with that gene is, that now in my dotage, I cry at the drop of a hat at everything … cat videos, music, kindness, unkindness.
Twitter: alphabetsalad
June 15, 2014
I guess we have to take the good with the bad – though I don’t really think crying at the drop of a hat is a bad thing!
Laurel Regan recently posted… Today’s Gratitude List – Linkup No. 34
What a great tribute to your dad. Learning from an early age that words have great power is a valuable lesson. Thanks for sharing!
Lana recently posted… Grilled Chocolate and Orange Marmalade Smores
Twitter: alphabetsalad
June 15, 2014
I agree, Lana – very valuable!
Laurel Regan recently posted… Today’s Gratitude List – Linkup No. 34
Twitter: FranceneStanley
June 14, 2014
A great tribute to your father. Wish every dad behaved that way.
It brings to mind the song in the musical ‘South Pacific’.
You’ve got to be taught to love and hate. You’ve got to, you’ve got to be taught.
Twitter: alphabetsalad
June 15, 2014
Very true, Francene!
Laurel Regan recently posted… Today’s Gratitude List – Linkup No. 34
Your dad was so wise! Those things they tell us just seem to resonate forever, don’t they?! And I love that picture of you and your dad. Priceless!
Diane recently posted… Thank you, Dad!
Twitter: alphabetsalad
June 15, 2014
I think so too, Diane!
Laurel Regan recently posted… Today’s Gratitude List – Linkup No. 34
Such an important and valuable lesson!
nabanita recently posted… Sponsored Video : Our Better World
Twitter: alphabetsalad
June 15, 2014
I agree!
Laurel Regan recently posted… Today’s Gratitude List – Linkup No. 34
Twitter: lvfromana
June 14, 2014
It’s great you got that lesson from your Dad – so often it’s the other way round and I cringe at some of the things the older generation come out with! My kids seem to be accepting of everyone because their friends are. It all depends on the kind of environment you’re in I guess.
Ana recently posted… First Step To A Great Relationship
Twitter: alphabetsalad
June 15, 2014
I’m glad I started off on the right foot early.
Laurel Regan recently posted… Today’s Gratitude List – Linkup No. 34
Twitter: karenandwendy1
June 14, 2014
Your dad sounds like a smart and wise man. Thanks for this story–it’s a reminder of how even one small intervention can make a huge impact on a child’s behaviour.
Karen recently posted… 10 resources to amp up your blog!
Twitter: alphabetsalad
June 15, 2014
Very true, Karen!
Laurel Regan recently posted… Today’s Gratitude List – Linkup No. 34
Twitter: jayantatewari
June 14, 2014
He imparted a very valuable lesson in you, Laurel. Thanks for sharing this..
Jayanta Tewari recently posted… The Sprint of Krishna and I – Times Then Reporting
Twitter: alphabetsalad
June 15, 2014
I agree – and I’m grateful he did!
Laurel Regan recently posted… Today’s Gratitude List – Linkup No. 34
Twitter: http://sophiebowns.wordpress.com
June 14, 2014
Your Dad sounds like a great man!
Sophie Bowns recently posted… Teddy- Chapter 34
Twitter: alphabetsalad
June 15, 2014
He really is.
Laurel Regan recently posted… Today’s Gratitude List – Linkup No. 34
Your dad had the right idea, and I’m glad that stuck. I wish more parents all over the world would teach those lessons.
Emilie recently posted… Lucky Number 13
Twitter: alphabetsalad
June 15, 2014
Same here, Emilie!
Laurel Regan recently posted… Today’s Gratitude List – Linkup No. 34
This reminds me of a conversation that my Mother had with one of her friends. We were having coffee – and her friend who is in her mid 80′s has a great grandchild who is biracial, and she adores that little girl, but is afraid of what people will say. And it made me sad that she is so scared of what people will say … my Mom wen’t through the list of women they know that have biracial grandchildren, gay grandchilden, and finally she added “For god’s sake my grandchild is a DOG. Who cares what people say?”
I think that she just freezes at the possible things people might say, so yeah the power of words indeed….
Twitter: alphabetsalad
June 15, 2014
That’s really too bad, isn’t it? So sad.
Laurel Regan recently posted… Today’s Gratitude List – Linkup No. 34
Twitter: doreenb8
June 14, 2014
What a good man your Dad is. I get so uncomfortable too, when I hear degrading jokes.
I love the photo. Adorable.
Doreen McGettigan recently posted… Faraway Friday Fragments…
Twitter: alphabetsalad
June 15, 2014
He really is.
Laurel Regan recently posted… Today’s Gratitude List – Linkup No. 34
Twitter: SusanF_mt
June 14, 2014
Your dad taught you well!
Susan – ofeverymoment recently posted… Happy Weekend! Can You Identify This Place?
Twitter: alphabetsalad
June 15, 2014
I think so too!
Laurel Regan recently posted… Today’s Gratitude List – Linkup No. 34
Thanks Lauren for writing this! What a wise thing your Dad did to help you learn that very important lesson. I feel sick at hearing all those ethnic jokes building up on stereotype etc. Really offensive.
And don’t even get me started on all those silly jokes on women drivers, nagging wives, and lazy husbands….I can’t see any humor in those other than just more stereotyping.
Beloo Mehra recently posted… Village Temple
Twitter: alphabetsalad
June 15, 2014
Oh, I know what you mean – I can’t stand those kind of jokes either! Not funny at all.
Laurel Regan recently posted… Today’s Gratitude List – Linkup No. 34
Twitter: BatteredHope
June 15, 2014
What a touching and powerful tribute. Thank you for sharing this ‘life changing’ moment. The world needs more men like your father, willing to take a stand
Carol Graham recently posted… What Life Lessons Did Your Father Teach You?
Twitter: alphabetsalad
June 15, 2014
You’re welcome – I totally agree!
Laurel Regan recently posted… Today’s Gratitude List – Linkup No. 34
Twitter: mnutralicious
June 15, 2014
Great lesson! Your dad sounds like a wonderful person. Happy Father’s Day to all of the great dads out there!
Twitter: alphabetsalad
June 15, 2014
He is indeed!
Laurel Regan recently posted… Today’s Gratitude List – Linkup No. 34
Your father was a wise man. You learned a valuable lesson at an early age.
Great post and thanks for sharing
Twitter: alphabetsalad
June 16, 2014
I think so too, Kathy!
Laurel Regan recently posted… Photo A Day Challenge – June 1-16, 2014
Twitter: goodgirlgonered
June 16, 2014
This is a beautiful post. It’s so true. I listen to the jokes my daughter tells now (at age 7) and they’re so innocent and cute. Sweet and funny. When does it turn? Right now she’d never make fun of anyone like that, so I wonder where it comes from?
I know that for me I’ve always been uncomfortable with those kinds of jokes, but in the past I would just shrug or walk away. These days – more grown up me – I say something. Your dad was a wise dad.
Andrea B ( recently posted… Amazing Reads: My summer reading list
Twitter: alphabetsalad
June 16, 2014
It really does go to show how guidance at an early age makes such a difference. And I’m very glad I had it!
Laurel Regan recently posted… Photo A Day Challenge – June 1-16, 2014
your Dad taught you a wonderful lesson at an early age. People are quite sensitive when it comes to ethinic jokes. No matter how small or how trivial it may seem. Wonderful post.
Rajlakshmi recently posted… The Perfect Groom by Sumeetha Manikandan- Book Review
Twitter: alphabetsalad
June 17, 2014
I’m glad he did!
Laurel Regan recently posted… Tangled Tuesday No. 7
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